Hello, and welcome to the last blog post of my 30s.
This seems like a strange choice of topic to base this blog post around, but it also feels quite fitting. In the last few weeks of my 30s, I've been deep in reflection mode. What have I done with this decade? How have I grown? What do I want to leave behind and what am I taking forward?
One thing I realized recently is that in this blog, I've largely shared my wins, my press, my book events, my shows and events etc. I’ve rarely shared about the silences, the periods of self-doubt, and the things that don’t pan out.
So in this small act of honesty, I wanted to share something else as I close out this monumental decade. I have been getting a lot of rejections lately, and it hasn’t felt great. A few years ago, I started sharing my rejection emails on my Instagram Stories.
I’ve been so humbled by the responses to that; fellow artists thanking me for my honesty and transparency on this topic. It’s been a relief to talk with others about how crushing it can be. Imposter syndrome rings loud. It can be so easy to sit in comparison bingo as an artist, and wonder why your creative career isn't where you'd like to be. It's an even deeper trap on social media, as for a long time, people were only sharing their highlights and wins. I often would wonder what some photographers had that I didn’t, why they were getting chosen for certain opportunities, and I wasn’t. It’s a slippery slope.
“Why didn’t my work get chosen? Have I already peaked? Am I ever going to make good work again? Should I do something else with my life?” And so on and so on. Like I said, slippery slope.
So far in 2023, I've applied to over a dozen opportunities; open calls for submissions, photo shows, residencies, competitions. None were a success. Imposter syndrome has crept back in. Most recently, I even made it to the second round of a competitive residency that I really wanted. I thought I had a great interview with them. I could taste it. I was a perfect fit. It would finally be my first residency. Or so I thought.
"Dear Erica, we regret to inform you...."
UGH. Those words. We all know them too well.
I was crushed. I'd even venture to say, devastated. Following that, three more rejections came in the following two weeks. Woof.
So why am I sharing all of this? Not for pity, or to further wallow in my own self-doubt. If anything, it’s been uncomfortable to be sitting in this space of spiraling, and I’m tired of doing it. It’s time to get back up and brush myself off, and try again. And again and again.
When I was younger, I would often quit things that I wasn’t immediately good at or successful in. I had to be the best or else not do it at all. Photography isn’t like that. It’s a slow burn. It’s a lot of mistakes and rejections. There’s a lot of stumbling in the dark. That’s sort of how I feel right now. There's great pressure amongst creatives to be churning out new and better work; to be published; to exhibit work; to demonstrate you residencies and grants.
I’ve decided that I am going to close out my 30s by showing myself grace and getting back to shooting shooting creatively for myself once again, on a much more consistent basis. To be proud of how far I’ve truly come. And to know that all of the ‘no’s I’ve received over the last several weeks are part of this wonderful visual journey that I am on, and will only make my work better in the coming months.
Thank you for all of your support over the last decade. 29 year old Erica wouldn’t have believed that 39 year old Erica runs her own photography business and has two books out. Remember to be proud of yourself, even when it feels hard to do so.
With so much love and gratitude,
Erica
